Hunting Humans
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Overview: A serial killer named Aric battles another serial killer named Dark to decide once and for all who has the gayest name. Directed By: Kevin Kangas, 2002. The Case For: If you're really ugly you could watch the actors in this movie and say "hey, at least it's not that bad." The Case Against: If you are a normal-looking person who dislikes bad movies you will likely walk away from "Hunting Humans" with both a brain tumor and a sick stomach. |
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Sorry, Aric, that shower could spit acid and it wouldn't wash the stink of "Hunting Humans" off you.
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Ever since I started reviewing movies for Something Awful SA Forums user "Tarid" has pestered me to review "Hunting Humans."
Well you know what, Tarid? Fuck you. No, seriously. I don't know what I ever did to you, but I'm sure it wasn't bad enough to warrant a request like that. You have created a rivalry, Tarid, and I will see to it that your fate involves you being forced to watch this movie while someone shoves an industrial curling iron up your ass.
Here is the main problem with "Hunting Humans": In the movie's 90 minutes, precisely two things happen. And they're not even good things, or interesting things. "Hunting Humans" does to thrillers what Marge Schott did to the Cincinnati Reds, up to and including having a dog take a dump on an already-shaky tradition.
In fact, if this was an objective summary, I could use this here bulleted list to accurately describe the whole movie:
- One serial killer taunts another serial killer and hires a private detective to harass him
- The serial killers fight and one of them dies.
But this is not an objective summary. It is a Something Awful movie review. As such, I am given liberty to say things other reviewers may not be able to. For instance: This movie sucks. Hard. "Hunting Humans" is the kind of project that comes about when a bunch of people from the YMCA summer creative writing course decide to get together, overdose on Benadryl, and write a movie.
But maybe I shouldn't rip on the director for once. I mean, 100 years from now film students might look at "Hunting Humans" as the start of a filmmaking revolution, with Kangas at the helm. Sure, the concept is nothing that any 17-year-old Livejournal poet hasn't come up with, but it's all about the execution of the film.
For instance: Kangas has pioneered the act of smearing a layer of Vaseline over the camera lens before filming a movie. This creates a number of interesting effects, such as making some of the movie's action almost impossible to see. However, at times, an unreadable screen is a good thing, especially in the case of "Hunting Humans." This is because nearly everyone in the film is incredibly, stomach-churningly ugly.
Like I have said on multiple occasions, I am not a good-looking guy. I am aware of this and as such I do not turn my critical eye towards the looks of others. However, in the case of "Hunting Humans" I feel something needs to be said. This film contains more ugly people than the line to Wrestlemania. If everyone in the world resembled the actors in "Hunting Humans," modeling agencies would scout midnight hunting gear sales at Wal-Mart for new clients. It is almost as though Kangas only had enough money to hire one person for his film, so he simply employed a bunch who, when he added their chromosome counts, came up to one human being.
But words aren't enough to accurately describe how ugly these people are. This chart should help a little bit, much like seeing a still of a person being brutally murdered captures at least a small fraction of the implied horror:
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Before you ask, yes, he is poisoning eggs to murder someone. Kind of like the Easter Bunny if the Easter Bunny was a meathead faggot who liked to wear early 90's workout clothes.
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"Hunting Humans" starts like every other thriller movie featuring a serial killer starts: With someone being murdered. Our killer, Aric (we know his name is spelled like that because he goes out of his way to tell us) gives us a little internal monologue as the plainest-looking girl in the world climbs up some stairs.
"She's going to let the dog out now," he says. "I have been interpreting her behavior. I know her patterns. I've been hunting humans a long time now."
Okay, before we go on: Who references their movie's name on the first fucking line of the movie? Who in his right mind would think "hey, I will just have my character casually drop the movie's name within twenty seconds of the movie starting and nobody will think it's a pretentious, masturbatory, self-indulgent bunch of bullshit?" Well, ladies and gents, that person is Kevin Kangas. Give yourself a hand, Kevin. You're a douchebag.
So, of course the girl gets naked, and of course Aric (played by Rick Ganz) jumps out of the shower and stabs her a few times. After tying her dead body up in the shower he washes off and takes a little time to think.
"It's kind of like a reverse 'Psycho,' if you think about it," he says.
You see, Aric is not like those other serial killers on those other thriller movies. Instead of being an incredibly smart, cunning killer, Aric is an incredibly smart, cunning killer who also happens to be a horrible actor. I am pretty sure that, when Kangas decided to sit down and make a movie, he did so with the help of some kind of "So You Wanna Write a Thriller" book he checked out on his mom's library card.
I think it's time to chat with the would-be movie makers reading this review. Generally, there is a right way and a wrong way to create a serial killer in a psychological thriller like "Hunting Humans." Maybe you're thinking about writing a better, faster, more entertaining serial killer movie. Maybe you want to do it "with a twist." Maybe you have characters fleshed out already and you're getting ready to turn the world of thrillers on its ear.
If I can abuse my bulleted list powers one more time, I have compiled a checklist of things the aspiring director should pay close attention to in the creation of his magnum opus:
- Is your killer some sort of demented supergenius who enjoys killing like others enjoy watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"?
- Is he also a cunning, capable know-it-all type who manages to hold down a steady job alongside his vicious murder habits?
- Finally, does the character compulsively reference the name of the movie he is starring in, as well as other horror movies the director is clearly trying to emulate?
If you see your character in one or more of these descriptions, chances are you are Kevin Kangas. In that case, congratulations, Kevin, you're still a douchebag.
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